Religion - good for something after all

A friend e-mailed me these. I was giving them a cursory look over when I found myself laughing outright.

Church Bulletins

These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon
tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'

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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan
last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'


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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at
someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much
about you.

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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving
obvious pleasure to the congregation.

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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
nursery downstairs.

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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow.

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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is
Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
person you want remembered.

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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment
and gracious hostility.

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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They
may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across
from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All
ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use
the back door.

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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this
tragedy.