Nannying New Zealand style

Here is the e-mail advice I have just received from the state (with a few comments interspersed) about preparing my children for returning to school;

Caring when you're not there

Tuck in a family photo into your child's backpack or write a special note to your child and put it in their lunchbox for a special reminder that they are loved. Being away from home can be tough, even for older kids, and a simple note (or just a heart with your name might work for a younger child) can provide some much-needed comfort. If the school or caregiver allows it, let your child pick a small toy or stuffed animal to put in their backpack.

Robert says, do any of that and I'm dead. I'll be labelled a mummy's boy and never live it down. He starts at a new school this year.

Stress alert

It’s normal to have worries about your child at school. So, keep an eye out for any signs that your child is experiencing back-to-school stress once the year begins. Look for complaints about headaches or tummy aches, tension at bedtime, emotional goodbyes, or reluctance to go to school in the morning.

If this happens, try lots of extra comfort and try to spend some quality one-on-one time with your child. Then, look for ways to re-adjust routines or ways of getting ready, and check whether your child is overloaded with too many activities or hasn't made friends.

You could also try the following ideas:

Notice out loud. Say something to your child if they seem unusually quiet or short-tempered (“Did you have a rough day? You seem a bit upset.”). It should be just a comment as if you are interested in hearing more about your child’s concern.

Listen. Ask your child to tell you what’s wrong. Listen closely, calmly and without comment – with interest, patience and caring. Do not judge, blame or comment – the idea is to let your child’s concerns and feelings be heard. You could get them to tell the full story by asking questions like “And then what happened?”. Let your child take their time.

Yuck. The religion of non-judgmentalism. Jehovah's Witnesses are starting to look moderate.

Help them find a label for it. Put your child’s feelings into words, for example, “disappointed”, “hurt”, “frustrated”. Many children do not yet have words for their feelings and putting them into words helps them develop emotional awareness. This will then make them cope better next time they feel the same way.

Help them understand the feeling. If your child talks about being angry help them understand what the feeling was that led to the anger. For example, “Sounds as if you were disappointed that your teacher didn’t notice how hard you had been trying and that made you mad and yell at her”. This shows your child you understand what they felt and that you care – which helps your child feel understood and connected to you. Another child might have got angry because they were frustrated they couldn’t do the work and the teacher wasn’t helpful. Knowing what made us angry makes it easier to identify a solution.


Help them think of things to do. Suggest things your child could do to feel better and to solve the problem. Get your child to think of several ideas too. Sometimes just identifying the problem will help solve it, so don’t give it more attention than it needs.

Just be there. Sometimes your child won’t feel like talking about what’s bothering them. If that’s the case, just give them space but make it clear that you are around when they do feel like talking. Suggest an activity you can do together – go for a walk, kick a ball, watch a movie or do some baking. One idea is to ask them to do something (not school-related) you know they can do very well without help, then praise them when it is done. It helps remind them they are able to control and manage their world.

Not so easy if you are out working to pay for school 'donations', stationery, activity fees, trips etc.

Be patient. As a parent, it can be painful to see your child unhappy or worried. But try to leave your child to solve their own problems as much as possible while you act as their support. This will help them become problem-solvers in the long term.

Get the irony in that last paragraph. Unbelievable. Nanny telling us to let our children figure things out for themselves!