Learning from Maori

Pita Sharples says that Pakeha could learn much from Maori about grieving;

"I recognise we have different, culturally appropriate ways of grieving, but I wonder - if everyone has the capacity to express emotions, should not the occasion of death be the perfect outlet for such emotions?"

Dr Sharples also spoke about the way Pakeha refer to family and extended-family members.

"The emphasis should be on what connects us, rather than what divides us," he said, citing Pakeha use of phrases such as "step-sister".

"I am often puzzled when I hear Pakeha define members of their whanau in ways which seek to create a distance - to put up a barrier between themselves and another.

"A step-sister, a half-brother, a cousin twice removed, my mother's cousin," he said.

"In our world, we welcome our sisters and brothers, our cousins, our aunties and uncles as whanau - whatever degree of separation a genealogy expert might describe it as.

"And in much the same way, when we need to express grief, the strength for us is in numbers, in our connections, while in other world views, the expression of grief may be another opportunity to create distance - 'we'll leave them alone'; 'they wouldn't want to see people at this time'; 'we'll just send flowers and cause them no bother'

I admit this touches a nerve with me. In grief (what little experience I have had of it) I tend to be very private, internalising how I feel and coping until the pain diminishes. Would it be rash to say this is the Pakeha or European way?

Maybe we could benefit from expressing our grief more intensely and collectively but then we have a long tradition of controlling our emotions. Some emotions need to be kept in check and I would venture that there is a downside to giving vent to them without restraint.

So perhaps we could learn a thing or two about how to grieve and Maori could learn a thing or two about how to control their anger.